


Entreat me not to leave thee

by brandnewworldstosee



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e20 Beside Still Water, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Spoilers for Book Series: The Infernal Devices, post episode s02e20, set between s2 and s3, written before s3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 04:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14585310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandnewworldstosee/pseuds/brandnewworldstosee
Summary: Alec bolts upright in bed, cutoff scream dying in his throat, Jace's name on his lips. He's panting, shoulders shaking with both terror and the effort of breathing. His heart is racing, beating so hard he swears he can feel it in his toes.Alec has trouble sleeping after the events and Lake Lyn and Magnus comforts him with a story from his past.





	Entreat me not to leave thee

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Roberry. Sorry I gave you a million feels while I was writing this. <3
> 
> I started writing this on my birthday a year ago and finally got around to finishing it! It was inspired by a fit of feels that I had, when the last paragraph came to me as I was going to bed one night.
> 
> title taken from the parabatai oath
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the universe, they belong to their original creator(s), I am merely playing around in the sandbox

Alec bolts upright in bed, cutoff scream dying in his throat, Jace's name on his lips. He's panting, shoulders shaking with both terror and the effort of breathing. His heart is racing, beating so hard he swears he can feel it in his toes. The bedding is tangled around his legs and he's covered in sweat despite being shirtless. 

Stomach churning he barely has enough time to angle himself so that when he vomits it gets on the floor and not the bed. 

His hand is shaking as he brings it up to his face, wiping his mouth on the back of it. His other hand is frantic as it darts across his chest, his torso, down to his hip. It finds it mark, his parabatai rune, and he calms slightly but it's not enough. It's never enough. He could remember it so vividly. The pain. The fear. The terror. The rune had faded from his body. The bond broken. Jace had _died_. He traces the outline of the rune, having committed the shape of it to memory long ago. It’s soothing, being able to trace his fingers over it, knowing that it’s there. That it will always be there. It’s something that he started after his parabatai ceremony. He had been in awe that it was real, overwhelmed by the bond settling into place, suddenly being able to feel what Jace was feeling. Every night before he went to bed he would trace the rune, first thing when he woke up in the morning. When he was taking a shower. Absently while he was reading, eating a snack. He was in awe that he had a _parabatai_. That he was bonded to _Jace_. He kept thinking that one day he would wake up and find out that it was all a dream. Or worse, it wasn’t a dream but one day he would wake up and the rune would be gone.

His stomach churns, again, and he leans over, once more emptying the (nonexistent) contents of his stomach onto the floor. His shoulders are shaking. His whole body is shaking. He chokes back a sob and suddenly there's a warm hand on his shoulder, rubbing in soothing circles. 

"It's alright, Alexander. Let it all out." Magnus soothes, moving closer to Alec, being careful to keep the hand on his shoulder their only point of contact, not sure if anything more would be welcome. He had awoken not when Alec had started screaming, but when he had started whimpering. Usually Magnus was a deep sleeper, but recently he had become much more restless and awoke at the slightest noise. It all stemmed back to that nonsense, as he had taken to calling it, with Valentine and its aftermath, when he _hadn’t_ been sleeping. Alec’s presence had helped, quite a bit. But, of course, right when he had felt like he was finally getting some proper rest again everything with the Soul Sword had happened and Magnus was spending his nights alone again. The few hours of sleep he had gotten tonight were better than any he’d got the past few days, the combination of the stress of recent events, the drain of his magic, and the Shadowhunter he was once again sharing his bed with. But he was still easy to wake up. And he had honestly been expecting something like this to happen, given the events of the day. He had seen Jace and Clary brushing off what had happened but Magnus had seen parabatai before. He knew the truth of what had occurred today, as did Alec. He knew what the aftermath was going to be and he was prepared for something like this to happen. Still, being prepared and actually facing the reality of it were two different things. Especially when he and Alec had only reunited hours ago.

Alec spit, getting the last of the bile out of his mouth, and rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand again. “I’m sorry. For the- mess. And for waking you up.” He said, turning to face Magnus, unable to meet his gaze, cheeks heating at the knowledge that Magnus had seen him like that, seen the mess he had made.

“Don’t worry about it.” Magnus said, frowning when Alec refused to meet his gaze. “Hey, Alexander, look at me for a moment. Please?”

It was a slow process but finally Alec looked up, meeting Magnus’s gaze. “You don’t have to apologize to me. Not about this. You had a very long and traumatic day today. Of course your mind and your body are going to react to it.” Alec opened his mouth to protest and Magnus held up a finger. “I’m not done yet. Don’t worry about the mess, I can have it cleaned up before you can even blink.” Demonstrating his point Magnus snapped his fingers, a few sparks of magic floating from his fingertips and winking away before they could reach the bedding, as he used his magic to clean up the mess. He then summoned a glass of water with a flourish, holding it out to Alec. “Drink.”

“Magnus! You shouldn’t have done that. Your magic-!” Alec’s eyes widened and he leaned forwards, reaching out for Magnus. He wasn’t sure what, exactly, he was trying to do because the deed was already done.

“Has rejuvenated enough for me to clean a small mess and summon a glass of water.” He smiled softly and held the glass of water out towards Alec, and when he was still reluctant to take it Magnus placed it into his hand, curling Alec’s still shaking fingers around it and guiding it to his mouth. “Please, drink. You’ll feel better.”

Alec did as Magnus asked, his first few sips tentative as he got the taste of sick out of his mouth before he started gulping down the water. Having drained the glass he reached out a slightly less shaky hand to put it on the bedside table.

Alec reaches his hand back towards Magnus, tangling their fingers together. He shuffles away from the edge of the bed, closer towards Magnus. He stops shy of actually making contact with the warlock, however. He's unsure about where they stand, what the rules are now. What's welcome and what's too fast, too much. "Hold me?" He asks Magnus, tightening his grip on his hand. 

"Of course." Magnus wraps his arms around Alec, pulling the Shadowhunter so his back is flush with his chest. He takes care to keep their hands linked as he wraps his arms around him. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I’m here for you. Here to listen to you, to support you.”

Alec can’t help but sigh at the contact as Magnus wraps his arms around him, pulling him close. He feels some of the tension leave his shoulders. “I don’t…” He trails off, pausing to think, trying to find the right words. He frowns and shifts a bit where he’s sitting against Magnus so that he can look at him, look into his eyes. “It was about Jace. About him… dying.”

Magnus inhaled sharply. He knew it was coming, but it was still a blow to hear it aloud. To hear the pain in Alec’s voice as he admitted it, voice breaking and catching. “I know that I’m not a Shadowhunter, that I have never experienced the pain that you’re feeling. But I do have an idea of what you’re going through. I’ve known Shadowhunters before. Parabatai before, as a matter of fact. It was the last time I let myself get heavily involved in Shadowhunter affairs, back when I was living in London. They ended up in a bit of a similar situation.”

“What did one of them have a homicidal maniac raise them? Did one of them die and come back to life?”

“No to the first part. But kind of, to the second.” It had been years since Magnus had thought about them, had thought about that time in his life. What was one more set of painful memories, after having the memory of his mother’s death brought back to the forefront of his mind? Besides, this was something that would help out Alec, and that was really the most important thing right now.

Alec felt his breath catch. He wasn’t the first Shadowhunter to go through something like this? But people don’t just come back from the dead. It’s a _miracle_ they get Jace back. “Wha-what happened?”

“Well, the first thing that you need to know is that James was dying. He had always been dying, really. He was sick. When he was young his family had been attacked by a demon. He was the only survivor and he paid a price. The demon tortured him. Made him addicted to yin fen. He was brought to the London Institute. They couldn’t cure him of his addiction, his body had become too dependent on his drug.” Magnus paused a moment and cut his gaze towards Alec, wanting to see how he was dealing with something that was hitting so close to home for him. Alec squeezed his hand, nodding softly, letting him know that he was okay to continue

“He knew that he didn’t have long to live but he kept on living, kept training, becoming the best Shadowhunter he could. There was another boy at the Institute, William. He didn’t have a family either, was a ward of the Institute as well. James asked William not to pity him, and he didn’t. William believed that he had a curse placed on him and James was the first person that he let get close to him. He figured that since James was already dying he was in no danger from him, or his curse. William asked him to be parabatai but James refused, believing that William deserved someone who would live as long as he would. William persisted and made a bet with James. James lost and they became parabatai. They were devoted to each other, the closest parabatai I had ever met. William was devoted to finding a cure for James.” As Magnus was speaking Alec shifted so that they were side by side. So that he could see Magnus’s face as he talked, and Magnus had a better view of his reactions. He wrapped his arms around Magnus’s waist, resting his head on his shoulder.

“James was reluctant to take the drug, took as small a dose as he could for his body to still function, for him to be able to fight and carry out his Shadowhunter duties. William was the one who bought the drug for James, he was so ashamed.”

“One day a seemingly mundane girl found herself in the care of the Institute and got James and William tangled up in her business, much the same way biscuit got your lot tangled up in everything. I’ll spare you the details for now, that’s a story about another adventure, for another time. James and William both developed feelings for this girl. William held her at a distance, because of the curse that he believed he was under. James ended up courting her, and they became engaged. It was much more common for mundanes to Ascend then, so at first it was to help their cover but they also had feelings for one another. William was more than happy to step aside, to let his parabatai have this happiness for himself. And so James proposed to her for real this time.” Magnus cut his gaze to Alec, to see how he was taking the story so far. He had heard Alec snort when he had mentioned Tessa but he hadn’t looked over at the time.

“There was a battle and James took more than his normal dose, he didn’t want to worry his betrothed. He fell ill afterwards, his body not used to that much of the drug. He had also run out of yin fen and it was neigh impossible for them to secure anymore at the time. He told everyone to stop worrying, stop trying to save him. That it was his time. He made his peace, he said his goodbyes.” Alec tightened his grip on Magnus, having an idea of where the story was going at this point.

“William felt their bond break. His parabatai rune had started to bleed. Only- James hadn’t died. He had simply become a Silent Brother. Not fully, his body couldn’t handle that. But enough. Partially. It was something that had been brought up to James in the past but he hadn’t considered it. Didn’t want to consider it. What it would put his loved ones through. At the end he was so weak, his loved ones made the decision for him. The transformation took, enough to save him. Give him more time. Allow him to find a cure.” Alec gasped at that. Becoming a Silent Brother wasn’t something to be taken lightly. Especially for someone with a parabatai.

“It also allowed him to fight by his parabatai’s side in the final fight, when they needed him most. Of course William had been gallivanting off in the countryside, trying to save the world while all of this was going down. He truly believed that James was dead, that his parabatai was gone and they would never fight side by side again. That he hadn’t gotten to say goodbye.” There were tears in both their eyes now, although more so Alec than Magnus. He had just lived through something rather similar, although he hadn’t had to bid his parabatai farewell in quite the same way.

“After the final battle they didn’t have a whole lot of time, James had duties as a Silent Brother, he had to be in the City of Bones. He wasn’t even supposed to leave before his first year of training was over but there were circumstances, he was so tied into the case. He was granted an hour to say goodbye afterwards, despite how reluctant he was to face his parabatai and loved ones in his new form. But he went, and he said his goodbyes and blessing to them. They told each other ‘go in peace’. They refused to part like the dead, even though their parabatai bond was broken. William was determined to still have James in his life. He called upon him for the slightest injury. James was the most frequently called upon Silent Brother for William’s lifetime. William had gone on to marry and have children, he even named their first born after him. James was present for all of the important parts in all of their lives. He saw over all their ceremonies.” The tears were flowing freely down Alec’s face now. Magnus’s voice was teary but his face was still dry. Alec buried his face in Magnus’s neck. He couldn’t even imagine. Having his bond with Jace broken, experiencing the pain of his death, but having him still be alive. Just out of reach. So far out of reach. He probably would have done the same that William had.

“James was there the night William died, he kept him and his wife company. He played the violin for them, as he had in their youth. He told their story through his song. He was there to hold his parabatai’s hand as he passed away in his old age, held in the arms of the woman they both loved.” Magnus wasn’t even trying to hide his tears at this point, they were flowing freely down his face. He sniffed and untangled one of his hands from Alec’s, wiping the tears off his cheeks as he took a shaky breath. “It wasn’t until I met the two of them that I really understood what It meant to be parabatai. Why Shadowhunters would choose to put themselves through that, and what the fallout of it could be. I had never met a pair like them before, and up until I met you and Jace, I hadn’t met another. To be fair I haven’t gotten myself tangled up in the affairs of Shadowhunters much between then and now either. I was afraid to. Seeing what William and James, what their loved ones went through. It was a lot to handle. I’m glad that I met them though. I’m glad that I let myself get involved.” He paused, swallowing thickly. “I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that Jem Carstairs and Will Herondale were two of the greatest Shadowhunters and parabatai who ever lived. They had a bond so strong that not even death could break it.”

“Herondale?”

“Yes. Jace is a descendant of his. Actually, now that I think about it I think that you’re distantly related, as well. Will’s sister, Cecily, went on to marry one of the Lightwood brothers. Gabriel, I think it was.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t worry, Alexander. William was just as big an idiot as Jace is. Just as dramatic as well. He turned up on my doorstep in the middle of the night more than once, with one such crisis or another.” Magnus chuckled, although not all of those times were something that he should be laughing about. “I’ve hardly thought about the fact that they’re related, but it puts some things into perspective. It’s no wonder that the two of you share such a strong parabatai bond, if Jace is descended from Will. He moved Heaven and Earth itself for his parabatai, just like Jace. He came back from death, after all. And that time that he pulled you back. Only someone with a strong bond could do that.”

Alec takes a moment to find his words, trying to figure what to say. To thank Magnus for sharing his story with him. To try to articulate his fears. The nightmare that he had. “I doubt it. The strength of our bond. It took me a year to stop constantly checking to make sure that the rune was still there, that I hadn’t dreamed everything up. I’m still always tracing it, it’s become a habit and I don’t exactly want to break myself of it.”

“Everyone feels insecure sometimes. I’m not surprised that you felt that way. But you have to know that Jace is just as devoted to you as you are to him. Sure, he has a funny way of showing it. But he has faith in you. He promoted you to Head of the Institute, right? And he agreed to be your parabatai. That’s not a decision to make lightly.”

“I know. I thought that I had put all of that behind me. But today- whatever it was that happened- it stirred everything up again.”

“And we’ll work through it together, like you helped me work through my memories that were stirred up.”

“I’m not sure if Jace will talk to me about it. I felt him _die_ , Magnus. The rune faded. You saw that. But he won’t admit it. He just brushed if off like nothing happened. Clary looked at him weird when he brushed if off. Which is all the more proof that he _did_ die. And he won’t talk to me about it. _Me_. His parabatai. We’re bonded. We have a soul bond. And he doesn’t want to talk about the fact that he died and I felt it and for a time he left me alone.”

 

“Perhaps he’s still processing the fact that he died. That’s not a thing to take lightly, Alexander. The circumstances probably weren’t the most pleasant either. Perhaps he thinks that he’s sparing you. Or perhaps he simply needs the time to process and find the right words, so that he doesn’t cause you any unnecessary worry.”

Alec knew that Magnus was right, that he was speaking logically and from a place of experience. And Alec was a logical person, normally logic would be working wonders on him. But this just was not a situation that could have logic applied to it, not in a way that would help his heart. His soul.

It's like that that Alec falls asleep, his arms around Magnus, Magnus's arm around him. Holding each other tight, the unspoken promise of never letting go. He has his head pillowed on Magnus's chest, ear over his heart. The steady beat of it is soothing. Reassuring. It's not Jace's, it doesn't help his fears that he's suddenly going to lose his parabatai again. That he's going to wake up and find out that the nightmare was real. That Jace really is gone, that everything that's happened tonight was just something his mind made up to protect him from reality. But it’s still reassuring, to know that he is wrapped up in the arms of someone safe, someone who loves him. Someone who isn’t going away, isn’t going anywhere. Who will be there in the morning to greet him good morning, shower him with kisses, and bring him breakfast in bed.

_Entreat me not to leave thee,_

_Or return from following after thee—_

_For whither thou goest, I will go,_

_And where thou lodgest, I will lodge._

_Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God._

_Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried._

_The Angel do so to me, and more also,_

_If aught but death part thee and me._

**Author's Note:**

> [shadowhunters tumblr](https://proportionalgaynessofaspider.tumblr.com/) **|** [main tumblr](https://agentpeggycartering.tumblr.com/)


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